Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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