My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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