i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
