Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
