Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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