Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
