True but thats because hes a fetus.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
