"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
