you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
