She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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