I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
