Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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