I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
