I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Semen is not good for contacts.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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