You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
