Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i barfeds in our rink
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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