Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
