You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
