i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
