We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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