I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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