In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
