Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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