oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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