Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
