I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
