nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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