Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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