so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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