Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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