fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
