there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
