so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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