Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
