My first STD was from a foam party
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
