Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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