Need sex. Gaining weight.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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