i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
