eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
