I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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