rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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