She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
