i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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