Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
