Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Dignity is for republicans.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
