i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
