I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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