Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i think i have herpe
just one?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
