She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
