well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
