I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
