Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
