im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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