a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
