You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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