ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
