I didn't shave. On purpose
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
