How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
