Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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