Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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